A day's events

Mind drifted off as I stared at the traffic lights across the street. Red, green. If people are analogous to the motor vehicles, den I am the pedestrian. Drabbed in green while pple are celebrating a red new year. Walking pathetically while pple are zooming around happily in vehicles. Flashing green man. Dun cross my path when I am having flashes and bouts of anger.

A rainy day, as i predicted. Cold and hungry, in both body and soul. Seeking comfort in a bowl of hot noodles and milo, warming my hands from the numbing coldness. Stand in the rain, get all drenched. It fell at untimely occasions, as if it was done purposely to spite me. Not as if they bother me at all anymore. At least they offer to wash away all troubles and cool down my head.

Drowsy, doze asleep and woke up, half-asleep periodically. Intermittent sleep makes one feel realli lethargic. Tired in the mind, muscles aching unbearably from ealier exertions. Dun even feel like opening my mouth when a caring remark was thrown in my direction. Sit there like a dead log, the onli sign of life being the heaving lungs. Look at my handphone, sms unreplied, calls unreturned. I din exceed my call time or message limit. I just dun have the energy to lift my finger and punch the keypad.

Tried to play video gaming, winning eleven. No, the fun was not there. Din feel like trying out stunts and ridiculous stuff like i normally do. The heart wasnt there. I just played monotonously, maybe with a bit of attitude, a dogged determination to beat the hell out of the opponents, thinking it will make me feel better. I thrashed my frens, decimated them ruthlessly as I never did before. 5-0, 9-0, 10-0, 13-0, against pple i normally would have an equal chance of losing against. Never lost a single game.Fought hard for every tackle, played routine but effective soccer and they just fell apart. Made me realise for long has it been since i showed any shreds of competitiveness, and how I loathed it. I wasnt happy at being undefeated, on the other hand i felt even more glum. Sad dat even an activity that is supposed to bring fun became such a sombre event. Felt realli terrible.

Was spending time in the sentry shed with lizards, flies and toads. Witnessed the cruelty of nature, creatures who come together in a lonely cold night just to enjoy the comfort of the onli light and warmth were assaulting each other. Hovering flies were brought down by an unsuspecting tongue. Sat there thinking about the officer's words. Have pride in watever u are doing. 2 yrs later, u will be looking back at wat u have done, n will be swelling with achievement at wat u have went thru. True? Maybe. But it is hard for a shortsighted guy to look beyond his present, to look to a forever uncertain future.

On the brighter side, the scenery was realli breathtaking. The before rain, when the cold wind blows thru u, sending a soothing comfort into ur body. When the skies have a mellowing, intermediate colour dat is pleasing to the eyes. The during rain, when the raindrops hummed a catchy tune on the roof. When the raindrops scatter the light and became sparks descending from heavens, fireworks exploding in midair and showering upon us. The after rain, when the whole grass patch turns white. The raindrops settling on spider web that are so much in abundance, giving the fields a superb, snowy look. Lighten up my mood, realli.

Cold, hungry, lonely, pathetic? Or accomodating, contented and happy? It made me realise how powerful perceptions are, and made me realise how transient the so-called emotions are. When they can also be rationalised and changed by the mere power of the mind, somehow, emotions do not seem that mysterious to me now. Who knows, maybe they are just a subset of the logical mind, acting upon its instructions to grant the host a self made illusion.