Reflection

I haven't blogged for some time, as im busy with various things since i came back from US, so did not really have the luxury of blogging.

I must confess that a lot of things ive done recently aren't really things that should be done by a totally moral person. Yes, a lot of things fall into the grey area where there does not exist a definite right-wrong judgement, but if you ask me the same things 10 years ago, they will definitely belong to a banned list of actions.

I feel myself slowly being corrupted, by a devil which grows stronger inside me. But an argument tells me that this is a byprocess of growing up, to accept sins that were once deemed unforgiveable, to act in a way that was once inconceivable. To accept social ills as part and parcel of life, and not sticking to your original beliefs of what is right.

Yet, the scariest part is that conscience no longer seem to have an overpowering counteracting force on my actions. Yes, certain things weigh on my conscience for a while, but they fade away as fast as a sunset ends, and the whole cycle repeats itself. It is scary, and i fear im losing myself.

I think part of it stems from my lack of drive for work, which is a sin in itself. Felt very lethargic, no drive to work, the brain prefers to laze around and seek happiness for itself. Work piling up, crying desperately for my attention, which i turned a deaf ear to. What used to be a pleasure, the gaining of novel knowledge, now plays second fiddle to lower forms of human enjoyment.

Even what i write is so incoherent, i laughed to myself as i reread my previous paragraphs... so uncharacteristic of my normal writing.

I must find some inner force to lift me into redemption, or continue to sink into my present path of transient mortal pleasure but eternal mental misery and struggle.

I pray.